


an abundance of apricots

by closingdoors



Series: Fruits 'verse [2]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-03-06 13:57:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18852445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/closingdoors/pseuds/closingdoors
Summary: "I don't need time. And I don't need to think things through. I'm leaving. Not just the vets, but Charity too. And I'm gonna tell her that today."A companion piece to 'nothing but strawberries'. Vanessa's side of things.





	an abundance of apricots

I have a postcard mouth.

All it ever says is:

wish you were here.

**Honeybee, Trista Mateer**

 

* * *

 

Moses always smelled like freshly cut grass. She can’t explain why. No matter how many times she washed his footie kit, or practically shoved him into a shower after practice, or changed his bedsheets - he always smelled like it.

The summer after she leaves Charity, her neighbours greet her over the fence. They’re a friendly couple and invite her round for a drink. Johnny plays swingball with their daughter. Vanessa sips on her cider and for once, her thoughts are free of fire.

The next morning, her neighbours are out with their lawnmower. They ask if she needs to borrow theirs. She says no and rushes inside before they can ask why it is she’s crying.

  


* * *

   

Vanessa organises a sleepover for Johnny to make sure he’s out of the way. She spends two hours pacing up and down the length of her hallway. She jumps when the knock on the door finally comes.

Noah almost seems taller, somehow. He’s a lanky, sloping thing with thunder carved deep into his features. Her arms automatically reach out to hug him but he steps out of her reach.

Beside him, Ryan gives her a grin. “Hey.”

Vanessa blinks away tears.

“Hey.”

They all stand staring at each other before she steps aside.

“Where are my manners? Come in.”

Noah heads straight through without kicking his trainers off. Ryan places his boots on the shoe rack as she closes the door behind him. Her hands are sweating so much that her grip on the handle is slippery.

She finds Noah inspecting the kitchen. She’s only been here three months, so it’s still the sickly pink the last tenants had painted - she’d focused on redecorating Johnny’s room to make him feel at home. As she steps into the room, he’s fiddling with the egg cups she has sitting on the side. She wonders if he remembers sitting with Johnny years ago, painting them as part of an Easter activity, up to their elbows in yellow.

“Noah.”

He looks up at her. Underneath the thunder, she can see vulnerability. He’s just like his mother - angular, sharp, biting. So that no-one will see how he licks his wounds; so that no-one can see how deep those wounds are.

“Let’s go, Ryan.”

“You just got here!”

Noah’s lip curls as he passes her. She reaches out to grip his arm but he shakes her off. He heads straight out of the door without checking whether his brother is following him.

Ryan claps a hand on her shoulder.

“He’ll come around.”

Vanessa sniffs, crossing her arms over her chest.

“You should go after him.”

“On it,” Ryan replies, grabbing his boots. “Don’t take it personally. He barely talks to Charity.”

“Oh,” she murmurs, and tries not to think of it as a victory. “Well, you know where I am.”

Ryan nods, closing the door behind him. Vanessa slinks through to the dining room, where she’d plated up Noah’s favourite meal, and begins tidying it all away to stop her hands from shaking.

 

* * *

  

“Good morning, Mrs Dingle.”

Vanessa grins as she wakes, stretching like a cat in the luxurious bed. Charity’s propped up on her elbow, curls draped around her shoulders, watching her with soft eyes.

“Good morning, Mrs Dingle,” she replies.

Charity dips down to kiss her. Vanessa rests her fingers at her jaw and pulls away with a soft grunt.

“Your morning breath  _reeks_.”

Charity rolls her eyes. “Charming.”

Vanessa sticks her tongue out at her playfully.

“So, your first day as a married woman,” Charity comments, fingers tickling the length of Vanessa’s neck, “how’s it going so far?”

“Mm. It could do with a little more mouthwash.”

Charity narrows her eyes at her. Vanessa laughs, tucking herself into her wife’s side.

“But, you know, it does have its perks.”

“Oh yeah? Care to explain?”

“How about I show you instead?” Vanessa murmurs, and begins her descent down Charity’s body.

 

* * *

  

In the first nightmare, Johnny doesn’t make it out of the fire.

Vanessa wakes with a gasp, curled up in the chair beside Johnny’s hospital bed. The only thing that keeps her pulse from hammering in her ears is listening to the steady beat of his heart monitor.

Charity slips into the room. It’s dark, with one glance at her phone she finds it’s three in the morning. She clears her throat. Charity settles in the chair on Johnny’s other side. Vanessa aches for touch. For a reaffirmation of life. Charity keeps her eyes on Johnny, and Vanessa assures herself it’s because she loves him, because she’s hurting from the fire herself, because neither of them have the energy to cope with this, let alone each other.

In the second nightmare, she remembers the bite of the broken bottle in her stomach.

Vanessa jolts awake, hands trembling. The room is a bright white, a nurse is changing one of the fluids of Johnny’s IV, and glances towards her with a sympathetic smile. Vanessa wipes at the tears on her cheeks, looking around for her Charity, needing her comfort, the familiar warmth of her arms around her. She isn’t anywhere to be seen.

In the third nightmare, the pub’s aflame, and Johnny’s been kidnapped.

Her eyes open slowly. The sheets are tangled around her legs, her body is dewy with sweat, and her throat feels hoarse from screaming.

With a steadying breath, Vanessa turns on her side. She can barely make out the shape of Charity in the bed with her. She automatically reaches to switch the lamp on before she remembers that they’re not at home anymore. Their home melted to ashes and now they’re stuck sleeping on this hard bed in a B&B which feels colder than it should.

Actually, she thinks a lot of the frostiness radiates from Charity, and most of her is too terrified to ask her why.

“Charity?” She speaks softly into the dark. She reaches out and touches rests her palm on her shoulder. “Are you awake?”

Somehow, Vanessa knows she is. Fresh tears burn in her eyes when her wife remains silent, taking slow, calculated breaths.

“Charity,” she whispers.

No answer.

It’s a long time before she falls back to sleep.

 

* * *

 

She can pinpoint the day Charity stops touching her.

She and Charity had never been the type of couple to be all over one another in public. But in private, Charity's touch was tender. She was open with it, with her tactile nature, even something simple like a hand resting at a knee. And god knows they had worked out more than their fair share of issues by touching each other beneath the sheets.

It's an uneventful day. Thursday begins with a grey sky, the kind that makes her want to pull the covers over her head and never crawl out of bed. It slants through the blinds and she rolls out with a yawn, letting the new day wash over her skin.

Charity's already dressed and brushing her teeth at the sink. Vanessa brushes her fingers across the small of her back as she passes her, but Charity shifts away so that her fingers miss her by an inch, ghosting through air instead.

Vanessa switches the shower on with a frown. "Are you okay taking the boys to school this morning?"

"Said I would, didn't I?"

Vanessa sheds her pyjamas, waiting for the water to heat up. She pads over to stand behind Charity, trying to catch her eye in the mirror, but Charity leans down and spits her toothpaste out.

"Is everything alright?" Vanessa asks.

"Why wouldn't it be?"

Vanessa reaches out and twists a finger in one of Charity's curls. In the mirror, she watches her wife's gaze drop down to her naked body, just for a moment, before she snaps her eyes away and swallows roughly. Vanessa waits for one of her typical innuendos or a quick kiss, but she's granted neither.

"I'd better go make sure they're ready," Charity says, chucking her toothbrush back into the holder. She heads over to the door as a blur.

"Charity?"

Charity turns with an impatient huff, the doorknob in her grasp. She opens the door a fraction and lets in cold air with it.

"What?"

"Nothing," Vanessa decides slowly. "See you later."

Charity gives her an eye roll and slinks out of the door. Steam begins to fill the room and dampens Vanessa's hair. She glances to the mirror, wondering if she has something in her teeth or last night's smudged makeup still halfway up her face, something to explain Charity not  _wanting_ her. But her usual appearance stares back at her, confused and hurt.

Vanessa sighs and steps into the shower. She'll get to the bottom of it eventually. It always comes out sooner or later, when it comes to Charity.

 

* * *

 

She meets Maya eight months after she leaves Charity.

It's her birthday, and her coworkers have dragged her out for a drink, loud and rambunctious as they order shots. The majority of them are in their mid-thirties and the wrinkles at the edges of her eyes shows she doesn't belong with them. They come up with the ridiculous idea to go a nightclub and she passes on that opportunity, instead sitting at the bar waiting for her taxi to arrive.

"This seat taken?"

Vanessa turns to find a woman in her early-forties standing beside her. The smile she gives Vanessa is disarming. It's  _warm,_  and she's longed for that for so long.

"Not at all."

The woman slides into the seat, flagging down the bartender for a wine. Her hair is long, dark, and choppy, layers cutting into her cheek and jawbones. Vanessa rests her chin on her palm, finding herself watching the woman out of curiosity.

"Happy birthday," the woman says, and passes her the wine she's just ordered.

"Oh." Vanessa takes it, the glass cool against her fingers. "Thank you."

"I'm Maya, by the way. Maya Neal."

"Vanessa Di - Woodfield," she replies, and it's not the first time she's felt a phantom ache on her ring finger.

Maya raises an eyebrow. "You sure about that?"

Vanessa takes a long, slow sip of the wine. It's sweet and bursts with flavour against her tongue. The wine Charity always drank was dry.

She grits her jaw. She'd told herself she wouldn't think about her anymore. Banished the name from her mind, redacted that time of her life from her memory, to try and alleviate the hurt, the betrayal.

"Yes," she says finally, and decides to cancel her taxi. "I'm sure."

 

* * *

 

"Goodnight, Mr Wrinkles."

Vanessa looks up from stock check to see Moses crouched in front of the cage of the sphynx cat that's staying overnight after recovering from an op. He moves to the next cage.

"Goodnight, Santa Paws," he whispers to the puppy in the next cage.

She feels her eyes beginning to well up with tears as she watches her son go from cage to cage, wishing each animal goodnight. Vanessa holds her clipboard to her chest, breathing in deeply. He isn't supposed to be with her - actually, it's his weekend with his dad, but Ross is stuck in traffic and Charity had collected Johnny straight from school to take him to see a new movie he'd been talking about non-stop for three weeks. She'd thought Moses would find it boring, being stuck here with her as she closes up for the night.

Yet when they leave and head back home, his little hand in hers as they cross the road, she finds herself surprised.

"Mum?"

"Yes?"

"Can I come say goodnight to all the animals when I'm back from dad's?"

Vanessa smiles. "Of course, darling. You're always welcome at the vets."

Moses briefly lets go of her hand to punch the sky. She clasps it again to keep him safe, but her chest flips when she grins up at her, one front tooth missing and tongue poking through the gap.  


 

* * *

 

Their second night in Preston, Vanessa wakes to the sound of Johnny crying. She peels herself out of bed and shuffles across the hallway, slipping into his room, where the nightlight is projecting stars onto the ceiling.

Johnny's still sleeping as he cries. Vanessa sits at his hip, combing a hand through his hair, murmuring quiet nonsense to try and calm him. At one point his hand curls in her pyjama shirt and he whispers  _Ma._

 

* * *

 

Their anniversary is on a Tuesday. Vanessa doesn't expect anything special, they've both been a little strapped for cash recently and it's put a strain on their relationship that she hadn't anticipated, yet she finds herself deflated when Charity doesn't acknowledge the date at all.

It's not a big anniversary by any means. And she plans to reach the big milestones with Charity - the twenty-five years, the fifty years. She believes they have it in them to get there. At least, that's what she wants. Lately she's not sure if she's what Charity wants anymore. And that's built a chasm inside of her, so deep and empty, waiting for Charity to fill it, terrified that she won't.

Charity isn't there when she wakes up, or downstairs when she gets the boys ready for school. Chas has no idea where she is and Paddy has even less of a clue. Briefly she wonders if Charity's planning on surprising her, but when she finishes up at work and finds Charity working behind the bar, she realises that's not happening either. She doesn't even get a greeting from her wife, she turns away to refill the optics.

She goes to bed alone, and it's the first time she cries about losing Charity.

 

* * *

 

Vanessa opens the door to find Noah on her doorstep.

There's a bit of peach fuzz on his chin, reminiscent of his sixth form days, but the rest of him is the same as he'd been the last time he'd visited. She glances over his shoulder for Ryan, but his brother isn't there.

Noah holds out two red envelopes. Vanessa takes them with a frown, flipping them over and finding her own handwriting on the front of both. She blinks away tears. They're the Christmas cards she'd sent Noah and Moses.

"I don't..." Noah stops, throat bobbing. "Stop. Please."

Vanessa sniffs. "Noah. Come inside and talk."

He shakes his head. "I don't want to."

"Noah..." She reaches out for his hand, but he shakes her off. "For five minutes. Just to talk. Please."

Sometimes, she looks at Noah and sees a little boy, grown up too fast. She'd found the same in Charity sometimes, when they'd argued. And though she had known neither of them as children, she thinks she understands how they both grew up to be sharp, to hurt others, to protect themselves. She sees that same little boy in Noah's eyes now - a boy afraid to reach out, betrayed one too many times by people who promised to love him.

Even her, in the end.

When she reaches for his hand this time, he lets her take it.

"C'mon. Five minutes." She does her best to smile at him. "You can yell at me all you want."

To her surprise, Noah's shoulders deflate, and he sheds his sharp edges. He passes her and heads down the hall, and she closes the door behind her, glancing up the stairs to see Maya standing at the top, head tilted to the side in question. Vanessa shakes her head and Maya retreats back to the bedroom without a sound.

Noah's made it as far as the living room this time. The place is messy - Johnny had friends round last night, and they'd left their things out before they'd left to go to the park this morning - but Noah doesn't pay any attention to it. He flops down onto the sofa, nudging aside a cushion she'd bought to make the B&B feel like home, and her chest squeezes, thinking about how much he looks like he  _belongs_ there.

Vanessa settles in the adjacent sofa, envelopes in her lap.

"I've missed you," she says roughly, and she hadn't meant to say it, she hadn't meant to scare him off with the big words, but it's out there now.

Noah scoffs. "Yeah right."

"I mean it," she says quietly, "I've missed you and Moses every day."

"And cards make up for it, do they?" Noah retorts. "Cards replace you?"

"I know it's not... it's not an ideal situation - "

"No, it's not!" Noah yells, tears in his eyes. "You  _left,_ so keep your sodding cards to yourself and leave us alone, yeah? Just admit you never wanted us all along."

"That's not - Noah," she gasps, grasping for his hand, but he rises to a stand and turns his back to her. "Noah, I wanted  _all_ of you. Your mum, you, Moses. I didn't want to leave. I love you."

"Then why did you go? If you love us so much, why aren't you  _there_ anymore?" Noah explodes. He grabs a photo of Johnny from the windowsill, turning towards her and holding it up. "Why take him away from Moses? Why go so far  _away_?"

Tears are streaming down his cheeks now. She shoves the envelopes aside, rising to a stand herself. For one wild moment, she considers telling him about the fire. She almost lets the words slip out. She almost turns him against Charity, so that he'll forgive her, so that he'll understand. So that Charity will lose him and finally she'll understand the hurt that rips its way through Vanessa every day, the hurt of losing Noah and Moses.

But she meets his eyes, and sees so much of Charity in them, and she knows she has to be the bad guy.

Vanessa reaches out, lower lip wobbling, and pushes his long fringe back from his face. He looks younger with it draping across his forehead.

"I had to go. You know the fire was hard. Johnny went through a lot. I needed a fresh start for him. For me, too." Vanessa smiles at him through the half-lies. Noah sniffs, wiping at his blotchy cheeks with his sleeves. "But I still want to know you. And Moses."

"Well, maybe we don't want to know you."

The words hit her hard. Her hand shakes as it draws back, her breathing shaky.

"You don't," she says flatly.

"No." Noah shrugs carelessly. "So stop bothering us, alright. We don't need you."

Vanessa's feet won't move when she tells them to. Her mouth opens but the words die on the tip of her tongue. Noah's face screws up and she hasn't a name for the emotion that's made a home there. He barges past her and soon after she hears the front door slam shut, the envelopes fluttering to the floor in the breeze.

He doesn't visit again, but she still sends cards every year.

  


* * *

   

“Now, for the first time in your life, Charity, do the right thing,” Vanessa sighs. She wipes away the tears on her cheeks. “Let us go.”

Vanessa watches Charity's face for any kind of emotion. Any sign of fight.  _Want me,_ she thinks,  _fight for me, prove you did this for us. Prove this hurt was worth it._

_Ask me to stay, and I'll stay._

But there are no tears, and no arguments, and no fight in her at all.

“Okay,” her wife whispers, giving her an out.

The last bit of hope extinguishes in her chest.

“Goodbye, Charity."

 

* * *

  

"Do you still love her?"

The question comes after she and Maya are two bottles deep into their conversation. The sun is barely peeking out over the horizon as they sit in her garden, the sky above them pink.

Maya had asked her about her past relationships and she'd found herself rambling about Charity, about their relationship and their marriage, their sons. She tells Maya that Charity is Johnny's adoptive mother but Johnny no longer asks after her. She tells her that these past eleven months, it's felt like there's been something missing in her life, and she knows it's Noah and Moses, but she has no idea how to get them to forgive her for leaving. She tells her about the fire, but doesn't blame Charity. That secret remains theirs.

Vanessa tilts her head. "Why would you say that?"

"Just answer the question, Vanessa."

She's always direct. To the point. Charity had been like that - but it had come across as abrupt to those that didn't know her. Actually, she thinks there's a lot of similarities between Charity and Maya that she'd rather not dwell on, but the main difference is that Maya makes her feel  _safe._

She'd lost that with Charity, after she'd learned the truth.

"No," she answers eventually, and she has no idea whether it's a lie or not, because she hasn't allowed herself to think about  _love_ and  _Charity_ in the same train of thought for a long time. "I don't."

"Are you sure?" Maya asks, brows narrowing. "Because, Vanessa, I like you, but if you still - "

"I was married to her. We had kids together. That history doesn't go away, and if you're jealous of that, we should probably stop this now," Vanessa argues, watching Maya carefully, a small part of her  _wanting_ her to walk out the door. "But I like you, Maya. I like you a lot."

Maya smiles, the sunset brightening her dark eyes. Vanessa holds out a hand.

"C'mere," she requests softly, and Maya does, and it's the last time they discuss Charity before they break up.

 

* * *

  

If anyone asks her when she fell in love with Charity, she's not entirely certain she can label one specific moment. There had never been a turning point. No grand gesture that had wooed her. After all, Charity didn't do grand gestures - she did backhanded compliments and half-truths and dirty jokes.

"Penny for them?" Charity asks, resting her chin on her shoulder, planting her hands on the counter either side of Vanessa.

Vanessa realises she's been washing the same mug for ten minutes now. She sets it on the side, reaching for the dishes they'd used for dinner, starting with Johnny's plate.

"Just daydreaming," she replies, "nothing special."

"Hm. Bet I could  _make_ them special," Charity murmurs, brushing the softest of kisses against her jawline and pressing her hips firmly to Vanessa's rear, "you know, I'm not working this evening - "

"Chatty!"

Charity drops her forehead to Vanessa's shoulder with a groan. Vanessa laughs, setting the plate on the drying rack, just as Johnny appears at their side. He's holding up a DVD, the one Charity had bought him last week despite the fact he and Moses were in trouble for filling the toilet with bubble bath, and staring at her.

"Come watch," he demands, grabbing her hand and tugging.

Charity presses a swift kiss to her jumper-covered shoulder. "Rain check."

Johnny's socked feet slide against the tiled floor as he tries to pull Charity away, face twisted up with impatience. He's still wielding the DVD in his other hand like it's a weapon. "Chatty, you  _promised._ "

"I sure did, little man," Charity replies, sweeping him up into a fireman's lift. He shrieks and giggles, hitting her back lightly as she carries him away. "Moses doesn't have half the bloody memory you do, you know."

Vanessa rests against the counter, watching them go. She can still hear her son laughing even as they head up to his bedroom. She dries hands with the tea towel, then reaches for her engagement ring from the windowsill. No, she really has no idea when she fell in love with Charity. She just knows that she does. And that she wouldn't change their dysfunctional, eccentric family for anything in the world.

Vanessa fiddles with her ring. Maybe it's time she thought about a proposal of her own.

 

* * *

  

Vanessa keeps the ring hidden at the bottom of her bedside cabinet for weeks. She checks it's still there before she goes to sleep every night; she'd learned from her mistake before, when Johnny had discovered the ring and tottered off to Charity and ruined the surprise, and her moment along with it. This time she's determined to get it right. 

One night, they go for dinner and drinks, and afterwards walk beside a river, a little tipsy. She slips her arm clumsily through Maya's and feels her girlfriend smudge a kiss against her temple. 

"Can I tell you something?" 

Maya grins under the moonlight. "Go ahead." 

"I'm gonna propose to you," she says, watching her face go slack. "Aw, don't look disappointed about it." 

Vanessa's brought to an abrupt halt. The stars above her spin a little, glittering like the ring. She fumbles for the box in her bag even as Maya stares at her, mouth hanging wide open. She opens it and presents the ring to Maya, heartbeat in her ears.

"What the hell are you proposing for?" 

"It's what people do when they're in love." 

Maya takes the ring box, but keeps her eyes firmly on Vanessa's face. She wonders what she finds there. Curious, Vanessa twists away, glancing down at her reflection in the water. Maya joins her side and Vanessa watches her reflection smile. 

"Vanessa..."

"Say yes."

Maya's reflection frowns. "Are you  _sure?"_

Her own reflection rolls her eyes. She hates that. Maya's always saying it. It was once endearing, and she appreciated that Maya always wanted her to take a step back and think things through. But now she's tired of rationality and organisation. She craves impulsivity. She's tired of Maya second-guessing her; always trying to suss out her motives. It's less of her trying to  _understand_ Vanessa, and more trying to catch her out - like she's playing some sort of game with her. 

Like she's going to walk out the door, and back into Charity's arms.

Vanessa grabs the ring and Maya's left hand, sliding the ring onto her finger.

"There. Now we're engaged." She glances up at Maya. "Right?" 

Maya stares at the ring in a stretch of silence. Then she nods. 

"I owe you a ring." 

"I'll help you pick one out," Vanessa says, tangling their hands together. 

"That's very modern."

"Is that a joke about my age?"

Maya rolls her eyes.

"Hopeless, you are," she says, before she bridges the gap between them and kisses her. 

The next morning, they shop for rings together online. Vanessa's careful to pick one that's different to her old one.

Distantly, she finds herself wondering what had become of her wedding rings. She's pretty sure Charity's probably pawned them off for money. She never had been sentimental. 

It smarts a little, to think of that, even as she lays in bed with her new fiancée. 

 

* * *

 

They don't let her in to see Johnny, at first.

Actually, there's no news on him at all, because he's rushed straight into surgery. Chas tries to rope her into a hug and Vanessa shrugs her off,  _needing_ to see her son, and her wife, to know they're both safe - but Johnny's been carted off to god knows what room in the maze of the hospital and Charity's still in an ambulance, and she has no idea which of them has come off worse. She's being tugged in both directions, and all she can do is sit in the plastic chair of the waiting room and sob, vicious and raw, her throat burning with it all.

 

* * *

  

Paddy sits opposite her, his coffee untouched, as he watches her sign her share of the vets away.

He fiddles with a pamphlet. "Vanessa - I know it's not really any of my business. Well, it sort of is, because, you know, it affects the business. But I just - "

"Spit it out, Paddy," she sighs, rubbing at her temples.

"Well, I just thought, you know, that you might be a  _little_ bit hasty with this. You can take time off. We'll get a locum. No-one's expecting you to come back to work right away. Just - take some time, and think things through."

Vanessa signs the last line, dumping the contract onto the table loudly. Paddy jumps a foot into the air and glances around, like Charity's going to appear at any moment and kill him. Vanessa rolls her eyes.

"I don't need time. And I don't need to think things through. I'm leaving. Not just the vets, but Charity too," she tells him, watching his face fall. She grabs her coat and scarf, pulling them on. "And I'm gonna tell her that today."

Paddy rushes to his feet, hands held out awkwardly, like he's going to stop her. "Vanessa - "

She finishes wrapping her scarf around her neck, and gives Paddy the biggest smile she can muster. It isn't much. She's absolutely exhausted. Down to the bone. She has nothing left in her anymore. It's like she's been stripped of feeling, since Charity had told her what she'd done. Every nerve ending had been exposed all at once, then burned and numbed by Charity herself. There's nothing now. Just the need to keep Johnny safe.

"It's a done deal, Paddy," she says, and finds herself reaching forward to hug him. She and Paddy had clashed heads more often than they'd gotten along, but underneath all the numbness is an aching, there's a bitterness over the fact that  _she's_ the one who has to do the leaving, the one who has to give up  _her_  life, her friends, her family.

It's unfair. That she loses everything, and Charity loses nothing.

 

* * *

 

Marnie's hand settles on her back.

Vanessa pushes forward, lips finding hers. Marnie makes a small sound of surprise, but her hand stays where it is, and her lips are perfectly warm, and soft, and inviting -

Instantly, Vanessa rips herself away. Her hand reaches up to her own lips. Marnie's watching her, wide-eyed, but smiling.

It's the wrong smile, though. The wrong mouth.

"Sorry," she gets out, and she stumbles backwards when Marnie takes a step forward. "Sorry, I - I shouldn't have - I need to go - "

She thinks she's going to be sick, as she grabs her things and dashes out to the pub. Her stomach churns with nausea and her vision goes blurry - oh. No, that's from tears, she realises.

God, she hasn't kissed anyone but Charity in  _years._ She hasn't wanted to. She still doesn't want to. The tips of her fingers tremble as she tries to come to terms with what just happened, what the hell had possessed her.

Vanessa pushes into the pub. It's as empty as it always is, it's been like that for months, and Charity rests a hip against the bar, watching her with tired eyes. God, it may have been months since Charity has touched her, but she still shines like a beacon. Gorgeous and glorious under the light, and for a moment Vanessa is so  _angry_ at her, for turning her into this, this woman desperate for touch, the woman who cheats, even for just a split second. 

  


* * *

  
  
Maya sets a mug of coffee in front of her. "How did he find her?"

"Facebook," Vanessa says glumly, warming her hands with the mug. "She's been taking him to see Camila for months now." 

"Months? And he's only  _just_ told you?"

"No, I came home early from work and found her here." 

Maya makes a noise of distaste in the back of her throat. Charity's a rocky subject, always has been, even though her engagement with Maya has been over for two years now. It's not exactly like she can blameMaya - she'd only ever been around the see the  _after_ Charity. The destruction left after she'd ripped through their lives. She hadn't been there to see the journey, the happiness and the love that had blossomed slowly until it grew all over her. The memories aren't all bad. 

Vanessa wonders when thinking back on her marriage to Charity had stopped hurting.

"She's trouble," Maya warns. "You know that." 

The last time she had ignored that kind of advice, she'd found herself in a whirlwind romance, albeit-frustrating. Vanessa sighs. 

"I know."

 

* * *

  

As they reach separate paths in the maze, Charity smiles at her.

"See you at the finish line," she says.

Vanessa watches her go, and thinks about the rings Charity wears around her neck.

"We were never finished," she murmurs.

 

* * *

 

"D'you reckon you'll still fancy me when we're old?" 

Charity rests her cheek against the inside of Vanessa's thigh, laughing. "Are you trying to tell me something, babe?" 

The curtains flutter as the summer breeze makes it way through. Distantly she can hear cheesy 80s hits playing outside; someone must be having a barbecue. Vanessa props herself up on her elbows, glancing down at her wife. 

"I was just thinking - "

"If you had time to think while I'm down here, then I'm doing something wrong." 

Vanessa's cheeks colour. "You're definitely not doing anything wrong." 

Charity grins slowly, making her way up Vanessa's body. She presses the weight of her body against hers, aligning them, dipping her head for a slow kiss. She feels the rest of the world beginning to fade away. 

Charity nuzzles against her neck after they break apart. Vanessa traces her fingertips along Charity's spine. 

"I was just thinking," she begins again, Charity's teeth nibbling against her collarbone, "that we've been married three years and I'm still not tired of you. I don't think I'll  _ever_ be tired of you. But, you know, neither of us are spring chickens..." 

"Babe, I promise you, we're still gonna be going at it like rabbits when the kids put us in a home."

"Charity, I'm serious - "

"So am I," she replies immediately. She rests an elbow either side of Vanessa's head, her body cradled by her hips. "Yeah, kid, we took our time finding each other. But that just means that we have more time to make up for, doesn't it?" 

Vanessa lets out a slow breath, pushing Charity's hair away from her face. She draws her down for a kiss, tightening her thighs around Charity's waist.

"Happy anniversary," she murmurs into the kiss.

Charity smiles against her lips. "Back at you, babe."

 

* * *

 

Vanessa finds herself hovering by the phone, even though Charity doesn't have her new number. After all, she'd put it in the cards for Noah and Moses, just in case they ever want to get in touch with her, and she wouldn't put it past Charity to take note of the number. 

But the day comes and goes without any text or calls. Johnny's at a sleepover with his friend and Vanessa curls up alone on the sofa, watching rubbish evening television, constantly typing and deleting Charity's number on her phone. What would she even say?  _Happy anniversary. I still love you and I hate you for that._

She scrubs at her tired eyes, thumb hovering above the call button. She has half a mind to call just to yell at her. To remind her that they could be celebrating and happy if Charity hadn't prioritised money. Charity would yell back, of course, but the words would fill the silence that's consumed her life since she'd left Charity. Part of her wants to call just to hear her voice again; to find a reminder why she'd ever fallen for Charity in the first place.

In the end, she shoves her phone into one of the kitchen drawers, and heads upstairs to sleep and resist temptation. When she dreams that night, Charity's dead centre, and the rest of the world is burning.

 

* * *

 

Ryan sends the photo in the post so that she has a physical copy.

By the time Johnny's home from school, her eyes are no longer red and there are no tear tracks on her cheeks.  

That night, she opens up the shoe box she keeps at the back of her wardrobe. Inside are countless photos of her and the boys. Chas and Debbie feature in some of them, too. Vanessa ignores the lump growing in her throat and places the photo of Noah's university graduation at the top of the pile. 

 

* * *

 

"D'you wanna adopt Moses?" 

Vanessa glances over her shoulder at Charity. Her wife's sitting at the edge of the bed, picking at imaginary lint on her pyjama bottoms. Vanessa finishes wiping the day's makeup from her skin before she sits beside her. She rests a hand on Charity's thigh, tilting her head.

"I'd love to," she replies, "but I don't really think there's a reason for it." 

She watches Charity frown. "What, my kid not good enough for you?" 

"Don't," she says sharply, her hand tightening its grip. "Don't start."

Charity nods. It's the closest she ever gets to apologising. Vanessa doesn't begrudge her anymore, for never really communicating. She understands the things Charity isn't saying.  _I've adopted your kid, but what can I give you in return?_

She doesn't know if she'll ever be able to explain to Charity what a gift it is to see her be a mother to Johnny. After the rejection he had suffered from Kirin, and the obsession from Adam, and even her own lack of love when he'd first been born - she'd worried that Johnny would struggle for family. Worried that she wouldn't be enough for him, as a mother. But now... now, Charity absolutely  _adores_ him; always spoiling him rotten; hates to be play the bad cop; reads him a story before bed every night when she isn't on shift. 

Charity Dingle as a mother to her son is the most beautiful thing Vanessa has ever seen. 

"Moses has Ross. I know that, god forbid, anything happened to you, he wouldn't stop me from seeing him. That's why there's no reason for it.  _Not_ because I don't want to. I love him with or without a piece of paper to prove it." Vanessa hesitates. She waits until Charity has shed her frown before she adds, "I'd adopt Noah in a heartbeat."

Charity reaches out and grips her thigh, eyes wide. "Babe?" 

"I know he... I know he wouldn't want that. And there are more than enough of you Dingles around to look out for him. But I'd do it. Without question." 

Charity blinks and tears escape and run down her cheeks. Vanessa pulls her into a tight embrace, pressing a kiss against her temple. 

"Ness," Charity whispers, "have I ever told you how amazing you are?" 

"Not nearly enough."

Charity laughs against her sternum. 

 

* * *

  

They both know it's coming, yet when she calls off her engagement to Maya, she still feels guilty. 

Maya begins packing her things into boxes that evening. The air between them has become stilted and sour, and Vanessa's insides twist and tumble inside her, making her feel like she's going to vomit at any moment. 

"You don't have to do that," she finds herself saying, "you can take your time finding a place."

Maya doesn't look at her. She rips sellotape off of the roll angrily. 

"My sister said I can stay with her." 

"She must hate me." 

Maya slaps the sellotape onto one of the boxes. "She does." 

Vanessa nods, taking a deep breath. Maya's directness has always been something that she admires about her. She's unwilling to compromise her morals, always stands her ground, and is unafraid to voice how she feels. Even though Maya's words hurt, they're honest, and she reminds herself that this is a good thing. Honesty is what had broken her relationship with Charity, after all. Had left her son fighting for his life in a hospital bed.

After Maya has vented her anger by chucking things haphazardly into boxes and yanking strips of sellotape off the roll with too much force, she collapses on the floor, her back against the mattress, staring at Vanessa in the mirror. Vanessa sighs, reaching over to run her hand through Maya's hair. She watches as she closes her eyes, throat bobbing, and knows that Maya's close to tears. Maya  _never_ cries.

"It's because of her, isn't it? That you can't marry me?" 

Vanessa sits beside her on the floor. 

"It is and it isn't." 

"That's a rubbish answer." 

"I know. I'm sorry." Maya clenches her jaw and looks away. Vanessa reaches out and takes her hand, her ring finger empty now. "Maya, I  _love_ you."

"But you don't want to marry me." 

"I can't." 

"Bullshit.  _You_ proposed.  _You_ set the date. Now, with two weeks to go, you suddenly can't do it anymore? That's not how that works. And you can sit here all day long and tell me it's because you're scared of getting hurt, but we both know the real reason."

Maya rips her hand out of her grasp. Vanessa crosses her arms over her torso.

"That  _is_ the reason."

"No, it's not. You're still waiting for her," Maya spits. Something she sees in Vanessa's face makes her eyes widen. "Oh my god. You are, aren't you? You're waiting for Charity bloody Dingle to turn up on your doorstep." 

"We're over - "

"Tell your face that. Jesus, Vanessa. She broke your heart! Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"That's why I'm here and not with  _her._ I chose to leave her, Maya. You have  _got_ to get over this jealousy you have. I had an entire life with her. She's always going to be a part of me and I'm always gonna love her, and that's why I can't marry you, alright? I can't marry you because I loved her and she  _hurt_ me and I can't take that again. I won't." 

Her chest heaves after her outburst. Maya clicks her tongue, folding her knees to her chest, turning away to look at the boxes of her things. There's not much. Maya's always been somewhat nomadic. Even when she'd moved in, there'd always been something untameable about her. Maybe that's what had drawn her to Maya in the first place. After a betrayal in a committed marriage, aloofness appealed to her.

Not for the first time, she finds herself wondering about Charity, whether she's remarried or not. Whether it's easy for her to move on. Perhaps Vanessa was just another name on her long list of marriages. Maybe she hadn't ever really mattered to Charity at all. Maybe that's why she'd chosen the money over her.

She knows, if she called Ryan and asked, he would tell her. He would tell her everything that's happened in Charity's life since she'd left, not just Noah and Moses. Truthfully, she's afraid of the answer. She's scared of the prospect that Charity has a new wife or husband. Terrified that there's proof the life they'd built had been just as easy to move on from as it had been to destroy it. She carries the scars of Charity Dingle inside her. Does Charity have any from her?

"Did you ever want to marry me?" Maya asks quietly.

Vanessa sighs. She rests her cheek against Maya's shoulder, and Maya lets her.

"I don't know," she answers honestly. "I know you rescued me from a dark place. I didn't just lose a marriage, Maya, I lost children too, but you made me laugh. You  _still_ make me laugh. And it helps me forget for a little while. I'm grateful for that." 

They stay sitting like that until Maya's sister comes to collect her. Johnny gives her a sad, tired smile when she leaves, but no nightmares come. No calls for Maya. Vanessa wonders when her son had begun to accept loss so easily.

 

* * *

 

"Give it a rest, won't you?"

Vanessa grunts, hair clip held between her teeth. "Hm?"

"Here. Let me do it." 

Maya takes the tongs from her hands and the hair clip. Vanessa watches her in the mirror as she curls her hair tenderly. 

"Are you sure you're okay to come with me?" She asks.

Maya shrugs. "I wouldn't say I'm  _okay,_ but I'm doing it anyway." 

Guilt nestles between her lungs. Vanessa watches as Maya curls the last piece of her hair before sliding the hair clip in to hold them. She reaches past Vanessa and roots through the drawer for hairspray. Some of it settles against the glass.

"I do know it's a terrible idea," she continues, resting her hands on Vanessa's shoulder. "I mean, your ex-wife's granddaughter's wedding? Who the hell goes to that?" 

"She's Johnny's Ma. She's a part of his life."

Maya shoots her a look. 

"Just don't say I didn't warn you."

"Warn me about what?" 

"She's gonna hurt you again," Maya says briskly, brushing the curls to one side. "You look beautiful, by the way." 

That guilt makes its way up, forming a lump in her throat. Sometimes, she thinks she hates Charity, for leaving such an angry mark on her. Making it so that she can never wholly move on, never completely trust someone else. Maya is a good woman. A trustworthy, loyal, and reliable woman. She'd loved her, in her own way, but not enough. She knows if Charity hadn't affected her so much, they could've been happy together.

"So do you," she returns truthfully.

Some part of her is already wondering how beautiful Charity's going to look.

 

* * *

 

As her wedding to Charity approaches, she becomes increasingly frazzled. There's so many things to think about that she'd never considered before. She'd thought wedding planning would be simple and exciting. Dress brochures and one too many proseccos at the fitting. Instead, she's found herself obsessing over the trivial things like flowers, and seating arrangements, and whether they should let the DJ take requests.

Charity groans when she pulls out her to-do list. Johnny, ever her shadow, copies her, a grin on his face. Vanessa scowls at them both and settles at the table as they wait for dinner to cook. Noah glances at the list over her shoulder and rolls his eyes, retreating to grab some juice.

"Charity, we need - "

"Ness, I love you, but if you talk to me about who's sitting next to who one more time, I'm calling the bloody wedding off."

"It's important!" She protests.

Charity shakes her head at Johnny, like they're sharing a secret. Johnny mimics her, giggling.

"The only important thing is making sure we both get there. Trust me, I've done this plenty of times."

"Thanks for the reminder," Vanessa mutters sourly.

"Oh, babe, I didn't mean - look, I don't care about this stuff, alright? It only matters to me that you're there. That's all." 

Noah reappears, juice in hand. He passes a glass to Johnny. Johnny stares up at his brother like he's Santa Claus. 

"And us," Noah adds. 

"And you," Vanessa affirms before Charity can make a remark. Noah gives her a hesitant smile. "Charity, who's giving you away?" 

"Giving me away," Charity mutters. "What am I, a show pony?" 

"I just thought it'd be a good idea if Noah did it."

Charity and Noah both glance at each other, eyes wide. Charity gives her son a small smile, something like hope in her eyes, and Vanessa kicks herself for not thinking of this before. Or talking to Charity about it first, at least. Noah's still on edge around her, even if she's tried to show him time and time again that she's here to stay - both for Charity and her kids. She wouldn't put it past him to rebuff the suggestion just because she's the one to make it. 

"What do you think, babe?" Charity asks Noah. Her voice shakes.

Noah shrugs, scuffing his shoe against the floor. "Whatever." 

"You don't have to," Vanessa says quickly. 

"It's your choice," Charity adds.

Johnny's gulping the juice down, gazing at Noah over the glass. Vanessa watches Noah look from Johnny, to herself, then finally to his mother. She wonders if he's as attuned to Charity's moods as she is. Whether he can tell that the look in her eyes is desperate hope, not rejection. He's probably so used to being forgotten that he doesn't know love when he looks at it.

"Yeah, alright. But I'm not giving a speech." 

Charity rises to a stand, roping him into a fierce hug. Noah grumbles as he's pulled in, but his hands settle on her back. He catches Vanessa's eye over Charity's shoulder and gives her a small, barely perceptible nod. 

 

* * *

 

Charity disappears when she begins packing her and Johnny's things. 

Some part of her isn't surprised. Of course Charity isn't going to fight for her. She's all talk when it comes to love. There's no action to back it up. Nothing to prove that Johnny almost dying was worth it. 

Vanessa slumps down on the bed, throwing a pair of new trainers at the wall. Her son almost  _died._ They lost everything. Yet Charity remains distant. Always saying she did it for love, but never  _loving_ her. Barely looking at Johnny. Never apologising. 

She needs it. She aches for it. An apology. Just one. 

"You're going."

Vanessa jumps up with a gasp, turning to the open doorway of her B&B room. Noah stands, so tall he fills the frame, his eyes taking in the few bags of belongings she has.

"Noah."

He slopes into the room, brow furrowed. She reaches out for him but he steps out of her grasp. 

"Were you even gonna say goodbye?" 

"Of course. Noah, I have no choice but to go - "

"Yeah, you do. You always have a choice. You're  _choosing_ to leave," he accuses, voice sharp. He looks down at the ground. "Moses has been asking after you." 

Vanessa catches her sob with her palm. Oh, god.  _Moses._ He's too young to understand what this means, just like Johnny. Will he ask after her? Will he ever want to visit her?

Will Charity let him? 

"Noah - "

"Save it. I just came to see if it was true." 

When he looks up and finally meets her eyes, there's so much  _anger_ in them. There's so many things he isn't saying, she knows that. Things he's holding back, because it'll reveal how much he actually cares. The ugly, gaping wound that Charity's made inside of her begins to burn brightly, and then  _she's_ angry, because Charity's turned her into this. The bad guy. The woman who leaves. 

She doesn't want to leave. She wants her boys. But she has to keep Johnny safe. That's all she knows. That's all she can think about. Every time she closes her eyes, she pictures him in that hospital bed, so small and still. So pale. She'd almost thought he was dead, when they'd first let her in to see him. And then to know that the woman she loves, his mother - to know it was because of her...

She has to leave. She has no choice. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. It doesn't mean she wants to go. 

Noah nudges her things with his foot. "I'll tell Moses you said goodbye, yeah?"

He doesn't wait for her to answer. He leaves, and she drops down onto the mattress, alone. She waits for Charity to appear, to soothe her, to tell her she's sorry. She doesn't. 

It's when the love she once felt solidifies into hate.

 

* * *

 

Vanessa has to take the day off work to collect Moses from school after he's sent home sick. He's quiet when she picks him up, and a vague shade of green. Charity doesn't answer her phone when she calls. She leaves her a voicemail that she doesn't expect Charity will listen to. Things haven't been right for months now. Charity's constantly pulling away, always out, never giving her sure answers about where she is. 

As she drives Moses home, she tries to distract herself from the niggling doubts. The fear that Charity had finally bored of her, just like she'd always thought she'd do from the beginning. Or worse - that the reason she never tells her where she is anymore is because she's off  _with_ someone else. It makes her feel sick to her stomach, imagining Charity touching someone else. Letting them touch her. Does she keep the wedding ring on? 

Vanessa parks sharply.  _No,_ she tells herself,  _Charity isn't like that. Not with me._

Moses clings to her stubbornly when she tries to put him to bed. He's always needy when he's ill. She changes into her pyjamas with him, which brightens him somewhat, and settles on the sofa to watch a movie with him. He nods off after twenty minutes and she spends the rest of the time combing her hand through his hair, studying his delicate features. There's nothing of Ross in him. More Charity than anything. Sometimes she finds herself wishing that she could see a little of herself in him, too. 

Moses rouses when she gets up to make him some soup. They put another movie on and he gets halfway through the soup before his eyelids begin to droop again. 

He snuggles up against her after she washes the bowl. On screen, the hero and heroine share a kiss. 

"You and Ma don't kiss anymore," Moses comments. 

Vanessa holds him a little tighter. "No, we don't." 

"Why?" 

"You're tired. Why don't you go to bed?" She counters.

Moses shakes his head, pillowing his head above her breast, clinging to her.

"No. Stay." 

Vanessa presses a kiss to his clammy forehead, rubbing a hand up and down his back.

"Okay, darling," she says, "I'll stay."

 

* * *

 

Vanessa follows Noah out of the room. The gardens of the hotel are lush and grand, but when Noah spots her following him he doesn't lead her to them. Instead he takes a sharp left and barges through a group of Dingles. Lisa gives her a warm smile and a brief hug as she passes them, but she doesn't let herself get roped into conversation. No. Noah has things he wants to say. 

She's ready to hear them. 

She finds him in the car park. He's resting against a low wall, lighting a cigarette. Her heart clinches when she takes in how much he's grown. He's a man now. Not a boy. Yet she can never not see him as a teenager who loved too hard and was terrified of being abandoned. 

"Those are bad for you," she says as she approaches him. 

Noah glances at her and shrugs. He blows a puff of smoke in her face but she doesn't blink. 

"So's alcohol. Doesn't stop those lot from drinking it like fish, does it?"

Vanessa rests against the wall with him. He edges away from her a little. She looks out over the grey tarmac and to the main road, at the families passing by in their cars. She wonders if they're all as put-together as they seem on the outside. And if they are, how they make it work. How to keep the glue sticking. She'd always been so sure theirs would until it fell apart.

They stand in silence as Noah smokes. She waits for him to say something, but there's nothing, and she's content just being with him like this. It's been years. Years since he'd told her he didn't want her to be a part of his life anymore. And she's had to survive on scraps - on the stories Ryan tells her; the few photos he sends. She has an album on her phone dedicated to photos of Noah. One for Moses too, of course. Sometimes she wonders if it's an invasion of privacy. Noah would most likely hate her for it. Call her a hypocrite.

Noah crushes the cigarette under his foot when he's finished. He studies the cars too. 

"Why did you come back?"

"Your mum didn't tell you?"

"I want to hear it from you."

She's not sure if it's a test or an opening. Vanessa takes a deep breath and turns to him, holding a hand out to him expectantly. When he frowns, she only raises her eyebrows. He still looks suspicious as he hands her a cigarette and lights it for her.

"Johnny got in touch with your mum. I don't know if you remember, but she adopted him. She has rights." She hesitates, taking a drag from the cigarette. "She helped him find Camila. Behind my back." 

"Camila's his dad's kid?" 

She wonders about Kirin, sometimes. A part of her had considered the fact that, over the years, he might have tried to get in touch with her. With Johnny. The last address he would've had for her would be Tug Ghyll. It's possible that he tried, but she missed it by moving away.

She doesn't blame him anymore. For leaving. Truthfully, it's what'd been best for Johnny, and it'd giving them both Charity, who had been a blessing until everything had fallen apart. And after all, Kirin had only been a child. Hardly older than Johnny is now. Of course he hadn't known how to raise a child. How to guide him through life. God, what had she been thinking, fooling herself into thinking she loved a  _boy_ _?_

"Yeah. Camila is Kirin's." 

"You never spoke about him," Noah observes. "I didn't even know his name." 

Vanessa frowns. "No. I didn't talk about him. He... he wasn't a good man, in the end. Besides, Johnny and I were much better off without him."

"Because you had mum?" 

"Yeah," she sighs.

Noah watches her as she smokes. In the corner of her eye, she can see conflict warring across his face. He's always been fiercely expressive. Charity's face could turn hard and cruel when she wanted it to. Though Noah could be cold, the vulnerability would always shine across his expression. He could never hide his anger or his sadness. He's the most confusing open book she thinks she's ever encountered.

"I don't get it. I don't get why you left, but you come back  _after_ she turns Johnny against you. It doesn't make any sense."

"She didn't turn Johnny against me." 

"They kept secrets from you. For months. If you can forgive that, why couldn't you stay all those years ago?" 

"I thought you didn't want me to," she says, studying him. "You said so yourself."

He scowls. "You didn't answer the question."

"I don't know, Noah. I forgive her because she was helping him. She's his Ma and she helped him. And she did it because he asked, not to one-up me. I know you think your mum's always scheming, but just this once, she did something out of the goodness of her heart." 

" _You_ didn't," he shoots back, "I thought you were good and then you left. You're just as bad as the rest of them." 

"Maybe." 

"What?"

Vanessa sighs, dropping the cigarette butt to the floor and crushing it beneath her shoe. "Maybe I am, Noah. Maybe I'm terrible. If that's what you think of me, then that's what I am." 

He glares at her.

"I hate you." 

It smarts. She can't hide her reaction to that one. Noah's smirk is lacklustre when the tears pool in her eyes. 

"Okay," she returns shakily, "that's okay." 

Noah pushes off of the wall, his hands clenching into fists, thundering. Vanessa aches to wrap him up in her arms and not let go until he forgives her. But there's too many years of hurt between them to fix with a simple hug. Maybe there's too much damage to repair at all. She's managed to bridge the gap with Charity, managed to let go of the hate and resentment for Johnny's sake, but Noah's always been so fierce with the way he feels things.

She wonders how different it would've been, if Charity hadn't ruined everything. Would Noah consider her a mother, like she thinks of him as a son? Would he love her in return? Or was he always bound to resent her, would he always be distrusting because of Charity's past? All of the what if's are the worst part to come out of her and Charity's divorce. All the could-have-beens. Some part of her still holds it against Charity for stealing moments away from her - she hadn't been there for Noah's graduation, or Moses's first day of secondary school. She hadn't been given the chance to help Noah move out and start out his own life as a grown man. She'd kill to have been a part of that.

"You're a  _liar._ You made us trust you. All of us, even my mum. And then you left. Mum cried for months! And now you think you can just come back and all is forgiven? I don't want to forgive you. I don't want you here!" 

Noah punches the wall of the hotel. His knuckles come away bleeding. Vanessa rushes forward, and when she reaches for his hand, he lets her. She holds it gingerly, letting one of her thumbs ghost against the back of his palm.

Noah's anger leaves him trembling. But when she looks up at his face, she realises it isn't anger. It's sadness. He's  _crying._

"It's because of me, isn't it?" He asks as tears stream down his cheeks. "I took the batteries out of those smoke alarms and Johnny almost died. You hate me."

Vanessa cups his cheek with one hand. Her tears match his own.

"I could never hate you," she says fiercely. "You're my son, Noah. I love you."

Noah sobs and then she draws him into a hug. He's much taller than her, he has to hunch, and his tears wet her shoulder instantly. She grips him desperately. 

"Don't leave again," he pleads. "Don't go."

"I'm not going anywhere," she promises through her tears.

She means it.

 

* * *

 

She finds the photo when she's sorting through her things so Maya can move in.

It's simple. But it's her and all of her boys. She finds herself taping it to her vanity mirror. 

Maya asks about the photo as she dresses the next day. She asks for their names. But Vanessa doesn't know how to speak about children she left behind, so she keeps the name to herself.

She stares at the photo every morning as she applies her makeup. She wonders if they have any photos of her.

The neighbours cut their grass, and for the first time, she doesn't cry. 

 

* * *

 

Charity would make fun of her for being sappy, but sometimes she compares her to the sea. It pushes and pulls. The currents are always clashing. The wildlife that lives inside of it is not always kind. 

Nothing beautiful is easy. Nothing beautiful is calm. 

She dreams about the ocean and wakes up in Charity's arms. She grins at her, morning breath and all. The morning sunlight casts her skin aglow, her hair like a golden halo around her head. They'd left the windows open last night because of the heat, and now she can hear Moses and Johnny playing outside. She glances at the clock and finds it's only nine. 

"I thought teenagers were supposed to sleep in 'til late," she grumbles.

"Good morning to you too," Charity returns.

Vanessa rolls over to lay on her front, resting her chin on her crossed arms. Charity reaches out and lets her finger trail down her back. Her touch elicits goosebumps. She knows her body's reaction doesn't escape Charity, but she says nothing, simply enjoys the moment. 

Downstairs, the front door slams shut. She and Charity roll their eyes at the same time. Noah. He's loud and brash wherever he goes without meaning to be. 

"The world's awake. Maybe we should join it." 

Vanessa props herself up on her elbows, staring down at Charity. Outside, Moses whoops. Apparently he's scored a goal. Then she hears Debbie call for them. Noah and Ryan have brought doughnuts. 

"You think they're celebrating something?" Charity remarks, grinning cheekily. 

"Careful," Vanessa warns, "I could still change my mind."

Charity sobers. "Yeah. I know."

She sighs, cupping one of Charity's cheeks. Her thumb brushes over Charity's cheek and then she replaces her thumb with her own lips. Charity returns the kiss softly, her hands resting against Vanessa's back. 

"Sorry," she murmurs against Charity's lips, pulling away so that their foreheads touch. "I'm not trying to push you away, I'm just... being realistic." 

"I know that too." 

"Stop that."

"Knowing things?" 

"No. Stop being so... not you. I want  _you._ " 

There's a knock at the door. Vanessa shifts out of Charity's arms and grabs her robe, pulling it on. When she opens the door she finds Ryan standing on the other side.

"Debbie told me wake you up. If you refuse, I have permission to drag you out of bed."

Charity appears beside her, pyjamas pulled on. She rests her chin on Vanessa's shoulder as she surveys her son. 

"There will be no dragging here, thank you," she replies. "Do any of you realise it's still ridiculous o'clock?"

Ryan grins. "Debbie wants to do a  _proper_ housewarming. You should see the decorations."

"God give me strength," Charity mutters against her shoulder.

Vanessa swats at her. "It's nice that they want to celebrate." 

"Welcome wagon's here at twelve. Get dressed, or Debbie will come up here and make you get dressed." He shudders. "I don't need that image." 

She can practically  _feel_ Charity roll her eyes. She nudges her away and Charity retreats with a dramatic sigh. 

"We'll be down soon. I promise." 

Ryan nods, and she closes the door. Charity's stood at the window, looking down at Moses and Johnny playing. Jack Junior has joined them. The boys all laugh, unashamed and loud, no hesitation between them. Vanessa slides her hands around Charity as she steps up behind her, pressing a kiss against her neck. The chain she still wears is cold against her lips. She moves her hand up and catches the rings with her fingers. 

Charity's hand rests over hers. Beneath her palm, she can hear Charity's heart thudding quickly. It surprises her that she's nervous. 

"I haven't told you today," Charity says, still looking down at the boys. "I'm sorry." 

Vanessa rests one of her cheeks against her shoulder. Charity glances at her.

"Babe?" 

"Yeah?"

"I know that... I know me and Moses moving in is a big step for you. I know I've given you plenty of chances not to trust me but I swear, I'm going nowhere. You're it for me," she says. She squeezes their joined hands and the rings dig into Vanessa's skin. "And if I get half as lucky as I did the first time round, I'll marry you again." 

Vanessa releases Charity. Her girlfriend sighs. But she only lets go to turn her to face her. 

"You have to mean it," she says, meeting her eyes. "Charity, after everything, you have to mean it." 

"I do. I always have." 

Vanessa nods. 

"Okay." 

Charity begins to smile. It's beautiful and she desperately wants to kiss it. 

She reaches for the rings instead.

"Yeah?" Charity murmurs breathlessly.

She unclasps the chain from Charity's neck. The rings gather in her palm. 

"I love you. I forgive you," she says, searching Charity's face. There's a small part of her that still doesn't trust her, and she doesn't think that'll ever go away. Charity, at least, doesn't hold it against her. "I really do. You have to believe it." 

Charity pitches forward, kissing her fiercely. Vanessa squeaks. So much of Charity's touch has been hesitant since they'd kissed again in the maze. But this - this is the old Charity. The one that makes her stumble back, gripping her elbows for balance.

"A lifetime of apologies. That's what you said, yeah?" Charity asks breathlessly. "Let me give them to you, Ness. Every day."

"Okay," she says, the rings gathered between them. "Okay." 

**Author's Note:**

> I apologise for how late this is. I hope it was worth it.
> 
> Thank you all for your support on this fic. I'm so sad that this universe is over. I've thought about it every day since I first posted it.
> 
> And for those that asked on the last fic, you can find me on twitter as @pxpperpotts. (Warning: I post Endgame spoilers). 
> 
> <3


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